Monday, 16 January 2017

9 Months Off Booze and Wondering if I Even Want to Go Back....


So, if you read my blog, or know me personally, you probably know that I have a history of being a pretty big boozer. I started drinking at the tender age of 13, and basically evolved into a binge drinker in a very short span of time.

I spent about 17 years drinking regularly-albeit, some years were less boozy that others- but you get the point. Not only did I drink a lot, I thought about drinking a lot. I still think about drinking a lot. I don't think about it in an "oh my God I need a drink" kind of way. I think about it in an "oh my God, was this the reason for 99% of my problems my entire teenage and adult life?? Can I, maybe, like, not do it anymore and save myself a lot of hassle??"

The truth is, in a nutshell, yes. Yes, booze was the problem. Drinking was my escape from the most minute problem, to the biggest. Booze allowed me to escape, pretend, sugarcoat, deny and generally just fog up my reality. If I didn't like a certain feeling or situation, I drank to make myself feel strong, powerful, fearless or unafraid. Physiologically, emotionally, physically and mentally, this was all a deceitful lie. The aftermath of a night of drinking too much always, always, always presented a plethora of additional problems (anxiety, sadness, confusion, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, despair...). Whatever I was running from was never the scary part....the scary part was how numb and void I felt after a night of drinking.

Now that I've had some time to dry out (thanks baby boy in my belly!!! I will always credit you as being the one who intervened to help me out when I needed it most!) I am dealing with a whole new set of confusing feelings.

These feelings all revolve around one question: what's gonna happen when the baby arrives and I have the *option* to reintroduce drink in my life?

Do I want to try to drink moderately, from time to time, when I feel like having a glass?
Do I want to just continue on the high and dry path for awhile?
Do I want to go out and get drunk?
Do I need to answer all of these questions now?!

I know that I never want to go back to how I was before. It's scary to think that for 53% of  my life, I was pretty much wasting my free time getting drunk. It's also amazing to see how much different (ie: better) I feel, now.

I am clear-headed, I am happy, I am motivated, I feel good, I love my body, I love and appreciate everything in my life...the truth is, I just don't think I would have these same blissed out feelings with a shitload of poisons coursing through my bloodstream!

I guess I need to trust myself and trust in my personal evolution for the time being. Continue enjoying the great moments that I am having now...and take it ODAAT.

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