I Was A Teenage Anarchist (And Now I'm Just Scared Of Everything...)

Today I wanna talk about the F WORD. FEAR, motherfuckers.

Since I was 19, I have struggled with panic disorder and generalized anxiety. Last night, when I was falling asleep, I had a bit of an epiphany while I was doing my reframing exercises.

For the past several weeks, I have been doing these nightly exercises, which aim to heal the relationship we have with past traumas. I learnt about this super helpful tool via Dennis Simsek, aka, THE ANXIETY GUY, aka, my current obsession and spirit animal guide! He's freaking amazing. Watch his video on how to reframe, below:

 So as I was falling asleep, and making some contact with past versions of myself, I became cognizant of the fact that I used to be a fearless, angsty teenager.

ME! Fearless?! It seems like such a foreign concept, but alas, I used to be scared of nada. 

 I was the girl who would never say no to a dare, who lived for thrills, and who didn't even consider fear when making decisions.

 Of course, some of the things I did back then were SUPER reckless and irresponsible (dangerous!!!), and the Inner-Mom in me is like, screaming at her to stop. Some of the things I did as a teen were just dumb. 

Nonetheless, it's fun to look back. Before fear and anxiety became such a strong presence in my life, I was a fearless, badass bitch! Tapping into some of that old teenage IDGAF attitude might help me kick the anxiety in the balls, for good?

It's worth a shot! And even if it doesn't help, it's fun to take a trip down memory lane and revisit some of the most ridic things I did as a teenager.

So, without further ado, here are some of the things that Teenage Ariane got up to (circa 1997-2003, mostly).

19 year-old Ariane.  Red lips. Mullet. T-Rex shirt. Lip Piercing. Take me back, baby girl <3

• CAUGHT ON FIRE AND WASN'T EVEN THAT SCARED: 

Here's a story that my old friends love to hear (especially the way my accomplice, and bestie, Stef tells it). So when we were in high school, we spent a lot of time in our school's track field. 

In lieu of sports, we used the terrain for underage boozing, smoking pot, and getting into moderate amounts of trouble. 

One day, after school, Stef and I are walking through the field to get to her house. As we approach the picnic area, we notice smoke and flames in the brush near some big pine trees. Both equipped with 14-eye Doc Martens, we decide to be heroes and stomp out the fire, so that it doesn't spread (we might've been a bit high, haha).

We stomp the fire and go on our way. Cutting through the shopping center to get to Stef's house, a woman screams that my pants are on fire. I look down, and confirm that indeed, my jeans are ever-so-slowly burning away.

The tall boots protected my legs from getting burnt, but I still needed to act fast.

Without hesitation, I SPRINT down the shopping center towards the washroom, with flames flying behind me like a real life Sonic the Hedgehog. People must've been like WOOOOOOOW. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

As soon as I get to the washroom, my survival instincts kick in and I throw my leg over the sink, put on the water, and extinguish the flames. BOOM. Injury avoided. Epic story created. 

• LOVED THRILLING RIDES:

I realize that this is such a 'lame' entry, but it has to be included. I used to be OBSESSED with amusement parks. Especially rollercoasters. Anything spinny or butterfly-in-stomach-inducing. 

Now?! You wanna talk about now?! The last time I went on a children's spinny ride with Thomas at our local fair, I literally almost started to cry and was SO dizzy when I got off that we went home immediately. Like, I was upset and shaken up by the experience. How am I gonna handle life with two boys?! 

I was the kid who forced her father to go on the Tower of Terror at MGM Studios back in 1995, which was the highlight of my 10 year-old existence. Can I face this and enjoy this shit again?!

• BRAGGED ABOUT HOW MANY SERIOUS ACCIDENTS I HAD BEEN IN:

I was what one would call an 'accident prone' kid. 

Falling off my bike and getting scratched up didn't cut it for me. 

I was in more so in the business of large incisions which required 20 or more stitches. EACH. (Motherfucka).

 Getting really badly injured was a part of my life, and despite the initial shock of these incidents, I was always excited to recount my bad luck tales to friends afterwards.

'I fell off my swing set and the swing part was broken, and the plastic went through my leg!'

'I lost my balance on a balance beam, and when I fell off, a 6-inch screw that secured the beam to the gym floor went right through my knee. That hurt'

'I fell off my bike when some boys were chasing me, and lost my balance and slid on the gravel path. I cut my lip open on some broken glass, got a concussion, and broke my arm!'

***Notice all of these tales deal with 'losing my balance'??? IS THIS A THEME IN MY LIFE THAT HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS SINCE THE BEGINNING? *mindblown***

These stories are getting really long. I kind of imagined a bullet-list of like, 20 things, but here we are. I'm gonna quickly bullet out a few other things that were fearless (or reckless, or both) to complete this fun journey, and then it's Netflix time for me!

• PIERCED MY OWN EARS WITH SAFETY PINS (LIKE, 10 HOLES)
• LET MY FRIEND PIERCE MY NOSE....WITH A SAFETY PIN. UGH.
• SLEPT UNDER A BRIDGE IN A TENT IN A RANDOM FIELD (THIS WAS ACTUALLY EARLY 20'S, but UGH!!! I WOULD NEVVVVVVVVVER DO THAT NOW)
• HUNG OUT WITH REALLY CREEPY OLDER MEN WHEN I WAS UNDER-18 AND THOUGHT THEY WERE 'NICE AND COOL' CAUSE THEY HAD TATTOOS. GROSS. (RECKLESS, NOT BRAVE. YOUNG GIRLS READING, DO NOT DO THIS)
• SWAM IN A LAKE AT NIGHT (HELL NO, NEVER NOW)
• SWAM IN THE OCEAN AT NIGHT (SAMES)
• HUNG OUT ON A BUNCH OF ROOFS. PEOPLE'S ROOFS. 

I don't really wanna do any of those things again, but like, I think I can manage to go do groceries or bring my kids to the indoor play zone without having a panic attack?! Right?!

I think the moral of the story is that I'm getting more comfortable with being OPEN to the idea of change. We're never stuck in one way of being, we just get really comfortable with our patterns and habits. What we become, we can also un-become.

 And we can go back, even if only a little bit. This Spring, I'm embracing the teenage-angsty- Ariane. The one who listens to punk rock and doesn't let something as silly as life scare her.

This was fun to write. More coming soon.

xo