2 Years Sober!

Whoa.

I haven't had a drink in 2 years. TWO YEARS!

In retrospect, the years I spent as an active drinker seem way further in the past than that, possibly because I only drank during 2 months out of the past 3 years.

But still! I respect official dates!

The girl who used to struggle to string together 3 days without a cider now sits comfortably on her couch without having had any in 730 days.

My thoughts about drinking/alcohol dependence/mom wine culture etc; have ebbed and flowed, like a river, over the past 2 years.

Here's how it played out:

LEADING UP TO 1 YEAR SOBER:

*Needed to keep myself in active education. Reading, networking, blogging. All things about drinking and giving up. I needed to understand why alcohol became my go-to. I needed to sort out my feelings about how much of my life I had numbed out (almost all of it?). I had to get to the root of the habit.

*Focused a lot on milestones. 3 months, 6 months, 9 months sober etc;

*Still felt a lot of shame and embarrassment talking about my drinking past. Confusion about labels/the various degrees of substance use disorder.

FROM 1 YEAR TO 2 YEARS SOBER:

*Barely blogged about sobriety.

*Didn't read too many more books on the subject

*Did a lot of inner work. Focused on the things that I drank to escape from (false core beliefs, anxiety, shyness, fear etc;) ***This is lifelong work, btw, haha***

*Wrote a book that addressed a lot of negative past feelings and experiences. Removed shame from the equation, and allowed myself to be vulnerable and accept my journey and evolution.
(THINGS THAT SHINE: POEMS, ARIANE SIGNER. GET A COPY ON AMAZON, OR BY VISITING MY WEBSITE www.arianesigner.com)

*Didn't really tell people so much about my story. Just didn't drink, and felt super comfortable with that choice

*Started drinking non-alcoholic beers and cocktails more frequently (when others are having drinks).

I won't go into the reasons or methods I used to sober up, here. If you go back to past entries, you'll get the whole picture, anyway.

This post is mainly to give encouragement and hope to anyone that is struggling with alcohol.

If it's making you feel bad, low energy, depressed, anxious, ashamed, tired, sluggish, physically sick.

If it's creating more problems that solutions.

If you don't really know how to manage it, and feel like most days, it's managing you.

If you feel scared that you can't get it under control.

If you wish for things to be different.

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There are ways to combat this.

There are so many people that want to help.

There are so many books that will make you feel less alone.

There are ways to get your power back.

There are solutions.

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I barely recognize the girl I used to be, in photos. Photos where I was wasted. Where I was drinking. Empty.
But, I honour her, still.
She was brave.
She challenged her unhealthy relationship with alcohol, even though it was terrifying to uncover what lay under all the booze.

Nowadays, I call the shots.
Life still terrifies me on the daily, and I'm a long way from super calm and blissed out, but ODAAT, right?!

I don't let my fears limit me anymore.
I keep on.
I feel the fear, and do it anyway.
I push through.
I'm showing up for my family.

OK, this is getting so cheesy, I have to stop and take a lunch break.
But seriously, yeah me!

I'm proud.

Oh! Random side note. Not at all related, but my parents got married 40 years ago today! Funny that my sobriety date is also what would have been their anniversary if they were still together! Still a neat numerological synchronicity!

BEFORE: