Skip to main content

Child Of Divorce Musings: Part Nine Million And Two


 ***EDIT: I wrote this before Christmas, 2019, and didn't feel right publishing it then...today I'm cool with this***

My parents divorced when I was...18? I have had many, many years to come to terms with the demise of our OG family, the pain and sadness of my parents not being together anymore, and the aftershocks and consequences that this massive life change had on me.

As a super sensitive child, the divorce was as traumatic to me as if someone I loved had died. And for many years I felt guilty that I felt so badly, like I was damaged and should just be 'getting on with it'. 

Everyone's from a divorced family these days, right?

The other day, I was looking through old family photos, and I had an epiphany.

In an effort to heal from the divorce pains, I had completely blocked out the good memories I had from my childhood.

Literally locked them up and never revisited them.

It was too hard, and also, super confusing.

How could I hold a sacred place for both 'the way it was' and 'the way it is now'

How could I think back on the good times we spent together as a family of 4, without being overly nostalgic or sad?

How could I be grateful for my life as it had unfolded...accepting that certain events would and will always be out of my control, and that's just part of the journey?

How could I honour that everyone I care about is entitled to happiness, and the road to joy is different for each person?

I didn't realize how much guilt I had tied in to these feelings, until I let myself talk them out (Thanks, Mom!).

This season I am practicing telling myself: I had a happy childhood, it's too bad that my parent's marriage didn't work out, but they were and continue to be loving parents, and I am blessed to have them.

I am also totally concious of the fact that my parents divorce did have some silver linings. Some truly wonderful people, who I would not have otherwise met (ahem, hi hubby!) came into my life as a result. 

I have an even BIGGER family than I had ever imagined, thanks to 4 step-siblings, and several step-nieces and nephews (mostly nephews cause our family rolls like that!).

These people love me, and I love them.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm done being mad, done being sad. I just want to appreciate all of the people who are in my life, who are important to me. Life is too short to not soak it all in.

And this holiday season, instead of being super sappy about being far away from mom and dad (we've managed to all live in separate countries!), I'm going to remember the Christmas' of my childhood and hope that I can make Christmas as magical for my own babies.

THIS WAS US! This photo of our family made me realize how much I had denied myself by not allowing myself to remember. We were pretty cool, we had a good run. <3


THIS IS US, TOO! A different shape, a few extras, a few missing, but all the love <3




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Get Your Sparkle Back!!!

  Oh hi! My poor little blog baby, always at the very bottom of the priority ladder. I remember when I first started S&S, I used to write these long journal-esque posts from my desk at Michael Kors (ha! F U corporate world) and it was such a nice little escape from my day. I also used to print up motivational quotes and make these beautiful collages in my notebooks. Still have a few! The good old days. So COVID has returned to Europe with a savage vengeance, and I have no idea what will become of life in the next few weeks. The Swiss government maintained a very relaxed attitude after our first lockdown eased up at the end of April, and they seem determined to avoid a second lockdown at all costs. Our cases are soaring, and things are looking pretty, pretty, pretty not good. But, let's see where this goes. Trying to take it ODAAT. There are a few points I'd like to review quickly before I get back to my 'day job', so here we go: 1. My bestie, Sally Beaton, just publ

I Was A Teenage Anarchist (And Now I'm Just Scared Of Everything...)

Today I wanna talk about the F WORD. FEAR, motherfuckers. Since I was 19, I have struggled with panic disorder and generalized anxiety. Last night, when I was falling asleep, I had a bit of an epiphany while I was doing my reframing exercises. For the past several weeks, I have been doing these nightly exercises, which aim to heal the relationship we have with past traumas. I learnt about this super helpful tool via Dennis Simsek, aka, THE ANXIETY GUY, aka, my current obsession and spirit animal guide! He's freaking amazing. Watch his video on how to reframe, below:  So as I was falling asleep, and making some contact with past versions of myself, I became cognizant of the fact that I used to be a fearless, angsty teenager. ME! Fearless?! It seems like such a foreign concept, but alas, I used to be scared of nada.   I was the girl who would never say no to a dare, who lived for thrills, and who didn't even consider fear when making decisions.  Of course, s

A Typical (hard) Day In The Life

  One thing that I know for sure is this: not all days are created equally. As a most-of-the-time SAHM, I've become familiar with the great days, and the super challenging ones. Each night I go to bed  optimistic that I'm gonna land on a great day the following morning, but with two toddlers going through developmental changes at the same time, the going gets rough! I'm hiding out in the bath as I type this. It's 21:36. Jake fell asleep about 30 minutes ago after a 2 hour long bedtime battle. That kinda day. If you ever wanted to know what it's like to have two toddlers, born 11 months and 22 days apart, here ya go! 6AM. Woke up to Theo poking me and screaming 'Stella! SKY!' (The Paw Patrol girl character, Stella in French, Sky in English, my toddler is fancy and bilingual).  'Sky is in your rubber boot, Honey', I groan as I nudge hubby to get up and let me 'sleep in'. Today I can technically stay in bed until 7, but I don't end up fallin