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Child Of Divorce Musings: Part Nine Million And Two


 ***EDIT: I wrote this before Christmas, 2019, and didn't feel right publishing it then...today I'm cool with this***

 My parents divorced when I was...18? I have had many, many years to come to terms with the demise of our OG family, the pain and sadness of my parents not being together anymore, and the aftershocks and consequences that this massive life change had on me.

As a super sensitive child, the divorce was as traumatic to me as if someone I loved had died. And for many years I felt guilty that I felt so badly, like I was damaged and should just be 'getting on with it'. 

Everyone's from a divorced family these days, right?

The other day, I was looking through old family photos, and I had an epiphany.

In an effort to heal from the divorce pains, I had completely blocked out the good memories I had from my childhood.

Literally locked them up and never revisited them.

 It was too hard, and also, super confusing.

How could I hold a sacred place for both 'the way it was' and 'the way it is now'? 

How could I think back on the good times we spent together as a family of 4, without being overly nostalgic or sad?

 How could I be grateful for my life as it had unfolded...accepting that certain events would and will always be out of my control, and that's just part of the journey?

 How could I honour that everyone I care about is entitled to happiness, and the road to joy is different for each person?

I didn't realize how much guilt I had tied in to these feelings, until I let myself talk them out (Thanks, Mom!).

This season I am practicing telling myself: I had a happy childhood, it's too bad that my parent's marriage didn't work out, but they were and continue to be loving parents, and I am blessed to have them.

 I am also totally concious of the fact that my parents divorce did have some silver linings. Some truly wonderful people, who I would not have otherwise met (ahem, hi hubby!) came into my life as a result. 

 I have an even BIGGER family than I had ever imagined, thanks to 4 step-siblings, and several step-nieces and nephews (mostly nephews cause our family rolls like that!).

These people love me, and I love them.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm done being mad, done being sad. I just want to appreciate all of the people who are in my life, who are important to me. Life is too short to not soak it all in.

And this holiday season, instead of being super sappy about being far away from mom and dad (we've managed to all live in separate countries!), I'm going to remember the Christmas' of my childhood and hope that I can make Christmas as magical for my own babies.

THIS WAS US! This photo of our family made me realize how much I had denied myself by not allowing myself to remember. We were pretty cool, we had a good run. <3


THIS IS US, TOO! A different shape, a few extras, a few missing, but all the love <3




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