Skip to main content

Shining Without The Wine'ing

I was just writing my bestie an email, and came up with this most excellent title for a blog post!
Yes, I'm talking about drinking again! (rather, about not drinking).
106 days ago, I took the conscious decision that I would not drink anymore.
Yes, it coincided with my second pregnancy, so naturally, it's a time when I wouldn't be drinking anyways.
That helps.
But that's not the reason for my decision, either.

See, I spent many, many, many years drinking. And not just having an occasional glass here and there with friends or family. My drinking might've started out that way, but it quickly evolved into an all-too popular epidemic called binge drinking.

I would drink fast and furiously.

My tolerance for alcohol, towards the end, was so high that I regularly "shared" 3 bottles of wine on any given night with my hubs, and that wasn't shocking to me.

Now it is.

The thought of consuming 750ml x 3 / 2 = 1125ml of wine! For one person. A standard bottle of wine contains 5 servings, so that means I was having like, 7.5 servings of wine on a regular 'ol night.

(I didn't drink like this when pregnant with my first son, FYI, there was just a "relapse" period 2 months after he was born that lasted about 1.5 months and reminded me of why I hated this cycle!!!)

But that's another point. You know, sometimes I would do these major pauses in drinking. Like, do a detox for 15 days, with the hopes that I would come out on the other side and finally know how to drink moderately. But, it doesn't work like that.

I'm sure that some people can successfully "cut down" on their alcohol (these people usually fall into a different category, where alcohol is not necessarily problematic in their lives) but for me, it's really all or nothing.

Now that I am not drinking, I am in the phase of mentally processing all of the time I wasted drinking.

All of the times that I wasn't present when I was in the company of friends and family, because all that I could focus on was the booze surrounding me.

All of the dangerous situations I put myself in for the sake of getting loaded.

All of the harm I did to my body and mind because I would drink excessively and make myself sick.

It just makes me sad.

It's like I need to go back and take care of that girl, now that I've realized how happy I am without alcohol.

How living life sober, aware, present and vulnerable is more meaningful that anything I've ever done.

I think back on the nights I would drink alone in my old apartment, missing my long distance boyfriend, lonely out of my mind.

How I would stumble to the local bar, already drunk, and stumble back, drunker.
How none of this ever made me feel better.
How it only made me feel lonelier, more insecure and less grounded.
How almost all of my anxiety and fear was alcohol-induced.

It's kind of like mourning a dead relative.
I have days where it's hard to live with the memories, because the clearer my mind gets, the more I realize how sad and empty drinking made me.

I know that the life I lead now would not be possible if I was still drinking. I could not possibly enjoy the grounded, calm and deeply satisfying life that I have while getting loaded.

My choices to quit are my own. I don't need to fall into a category, be a statistic or scale myself on an addiction meter. I don't need to go to AA. I don't need to call myself an alcoholic, because I really don't like that term and it doesn't resonate with me. 

It's not about labels, or descriptions or explanations. 
It's not about having everyone understand my journey, or my reasons for not drinking.

It's definitely not going to turn into me judging other people's habits, because those are none of my business, even if they are harmful and toxic.

I take care of my side of the street. That's all that I am responsible for, and it's enough!

Now, when I see my hubby, my baby and my growing baby belly (21 weeks, what?!?!)...I just feel so grateful. I have all I need, all I could ever want, right next to me.

I don't need to escape that.
I don't need to rush that.
I don't need to run away from it.
I created this.
I overcame that.
I evolved.
I stopped choosing fear.
I believed I was worth more.

And that's where we're at!
106 days.
I am proud.
Life is good when you're not battling hangovers on the reg.

Alright, now here's some inspirational quotes in line with this topic! Off to play with my baboo and eat some soup on this rainy but perfect Saturday <3

I decided I was not going to stay at the bar, and on my knees vomiting up Kraft Dinner every Sunday morning!

And the right things are pretty beautiful. Meaningful relationships all around, babies, success, self-worth, health,gratitude...the list goes on and on

Nope. There isn't




Comments

  1. Coming to my BIG-ol,
    John Belushi, party-hardy
    in Seventh-Heaven ..??
    Why?
    The world passes away,
    we cannot stay,
    even if we pay trillions
    which nobody has anyway.
    So, gain altitude, dude,
    never attitude.
    God bless your indelible soul.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Baby Boys, Blogs and Blessings

I realize I haven't updated my blog in quite some time! I fall into these spells where I get a little too pre-occupied with my "work" writing, and forget that investing in my creative writing is just as important! I'm hoping to revamp my website in January and re-launch my site with a new concept (now/old concept. It's pretty clear that this is going in the direction of a sober living/recovery blog, cause that's what I'm passionate about these days!). BUT, in the meantime- here are some point-form updates for ya! ⇢We are having another baby boy!!! I am so excited. It's funny how when I first got pregnant (with Theo) I had this idea that I would have a little girl. I dreamt about raising her to be strong and independent and to take no shit from anyone. I swore that she would not struggle through the feelings of low self-worth that plagued me for a big part of my life. But then, we found out it was a boy. After mom'ing a little guy for 8 month...

Stranger in a Strange (Cheese-Filled) Land

So, I've been in Switzerland for just over 2 months. I'm pregnant, too, by the way! 15 weeks!  We'll save that for next post, because what I REALLY want to do is make a listicle of some of the oddities/cool stuff and weird stuff I've noticed since arriving here. If I was in a sour mood, this could have become a Debbie Downer style list of all the things I am having a hard time adjusting to, but I am having a pretty darn good day, so let's look at the bright side, too, shall we?! So, without further ado, let's look at the good, the bad and the fugly of this odd little place. 1. Bananas are super affordable (PRO) This is a weird observation, I know. In Canada, a large banana can cost you as much as $0.75! No joke, today, at the grocery store, I saw a bag of 15 BANANAS for less than 2 francs (that's about $2.45 Canadian). They are super cheap, and I am happy about this. 2. People generally seem miserable; neutral at best (CON) I don't want t...

Becoming a Writer

For as long as I can remember, I have been writing. When I was young, I kept a journal. This was my safe place to escape from the world and get deep into the art of self-analysis. I wrote about everything. At the beginning it was trivialities; which boy was cutest, what I wore to school. In my teenage years, I wrote about family fights, nights out drinking in the park and other general hooliganisms. Or many worlds? The bottom line for me, is that writing is my main source of therapy. Every major obstacle I have overcome in my life has been written about from every imaginable angle. In a way, it's like a puzzle. I write out different feelings, different perspectives, until something fits and I see the big picture. Perspectives and feelings change, too, which is part of the beauty of writing. It is fluid. I can go back and reread my past work (sometimes, with a horrified smirk) and see how my evolution has spiralled into a new direction. The thought...